nothing at all
take it or leave it
1:27pm
Woke up thinking of someone who doesn’t exist. Fantasize and scandalize until I’m blue in the face. I spend my hours thinking of how to make the words align in perfect succession. The right sentences will prove my worth, I think. I’m constantly deciding if I want to please or piss everyone off. I love you and I hate you and I am you. Toes hanging off the edge, wind trying to usher me forward. Not sure what waits at the bottom of it all. Pit of desires and fears and passions. Put yourself on sale and try to make every cent back. Trick the ones you love into buying into it. Cash it all in for meaningless praise and pats on the back that sting like an acid burn. Pushing the words out of me and throwing them into the open. Here, take them. They’re unpolished and unvarnished and don’t quite make sense if you look at them too closely. They’re all I have, and they’re all I am.
In other news, I’ve been listening to Harry Styles’s new album. I love music that makes me want to scream and dance and cry. My favorites are Season 2 Weight Loss and Are You Listening Yet?
I’ve also been creating for the sake of it. Smearing colors on paper even though it looks like shit. Bought some oil pastels and realized why my preferred medium is words. Creation as an act of penance and compulsion. Had a long talk with someone about how I fear vulnerability, and that inevitably makes me fear creation. They didn’t really get it. Imperfection is a sick side effect to the medicine of self-expression, and I don’t know how to adjust to the dosage. I’m always taking too much or not enough.
Told my best friend that sharing my writing feels like ripping my chest open and letting everyone look inside. She got it. At a certain point, you have to give in. It’s bloody and messy, but it’s necessary. Here I am.
hello all i’m sick of masquerading as a sophisticated writer so here’s something i wrote in my notes app today. i have to get ready for work now. thank u for reading i love u very much. subscribe or comment or like or the other things if u want to support my future ramblings.
until next time,
grace <3